I know what it’s like to feel that feeling. The feeling of unquitting urge that you need to do something. The need to change something, drastically, radically- because you feel you can’t stay like you are or where you are for another second or you might…explode.
Don’t get me wrong I am filled with self love (most days), even though it may have taken me awhile (and a lot work) to be able to get to that spot that I can say that. Actually, this may be one of the first time periods in my life that I can truly say I love myself, mess and all without feeling like a fraud. I don’t say it anymore with a spew of buts and or, ifs to follow and for that I am pretty proud.
However, I have realized that no matter what level of contentment I reach I will never be complacent and this my friends, is one of the biggest blessings in my life and yet one of the biggest curses. Even though this has lead me to have the drive and determination I have today, this attribute used to be a burden. A poison quite actually. Always asking myself and others so many questions. Why do I do the things I do? Why do others do the things they do? What are my fatal flaws? What are other people’s fatal flaws? What do I have to do so I don’t become like that? What is my purpose in life? Why? Why? Why?
Being this way more often than not adds a lot of additional confusion to life. When I would ask a lot of questions, growing up, I reoccuringly would get the answer…”because, Mikaela, that’s the way life is.” This was and still today is not okay with me. I learned if I didn’t deal with this confusion and curiosity correctly this can lead to many side effects like never feeling good enough, or that I am not doing enough in life. Or it leads to a lot of comparison and always caring what others think. Well, quite frankly I got exhausted from this so as a result this led to the next stage in my life. What I like to call, drifting. One day I asked myself (and others asked me as well) why do you care so much? So I told myself to just stop. Stop over-thinking. Stop analyzing everything. Stop comparing. All of it, stop. May sound nice at first. To not “give a sh** about anything” as some would say. But really it’s not. This is fake, deep down everyone cares and if you tell yourself you don’t then I would do a little reevaluating of yourself. I mean of course everything in life is balance. I am not saying that it is a good thing to over think everything and be emotional either, sometimes it is necessary to let nature takes it’s course, but that’s the thing- its about knowing when.
Photo By: Red Eyes and Blue Skies
Speaking of ’emotional’, I’m not a huge fan of the word. I don’t think this is exactly an adjective I would stick at the end of my name or that others would either for that matter (I hope not) but on the contrary I also hate when people are quick to unassociate themselves with anything that involves feelings and emotions. I also wouldn’t say I am cold. Empathetic is a more preferred word in my vocabulary. I think it is very important to be empathetic meaning to have a psychological identification with the feelings, thoughts, or attitudes of yourself and of others. I thrive off of connecting with other people and things as many people do. Connecting with other humans, with music, with nature, with philosophies. And you see, the problem here was when I told myself to stop caring, I was suppressing the most important characteristic of my heart and I simply became…numb. For a long time, I knew what it was like to feel nothing. Yes, this is possible. And sadly, a lot of our society thinks this is okay. Actually they take pride in this “I don’t give a sh**” attitude sometimes. Well, I had a slap in the face one day and realized I would rather have 500,000 thoughts, emotions, and questions in a day no matter how heavy this may seem than to ever feel numb in my life again. In a society that often times takes pride in feeling numb I wanted to choose to feel and not only feel to but feel deeply.
Now the next stage after all of this was really recognizing my thoughts. Not letting them just come and go or even worse, eat away at myself. Taking time to pause and allowing a moment of reflection and to gain clarity. This is what I like to call, self awareness. Which…will lead to my next post 😉
Can’t wait to share more with ya’ll. If you read this, God bless your heart. And if you continue to read this little mini series than you are a true friend and follower and God Bless your heart times 3. Love you all! Xoxo